Darkest Hour

Stumbling through the door, I quickly headed to our kitchen knives. Any of them would do; they just needed to be sharp enough to make a clean cut. I grabbed one, admiring its sharpness as I thought about what was to come. I headed into the dining area and slowly eased into one of the chairs at the table. I never really liked these chairs, in fact I always found them to be extremely uncomfortable. Well, I wouldn't need chairs where I was going anyway. Some last-minute thinking led me to get a towel to spread on the table. I didn't want them to have to clean up a big mess. My phone was continually ringing, probably with people anxious to understand my cryptic message I had sent out. Soon they would know.

I stared at the knife for a long time, planning through all of my next actions so that I wouldn't waste any effort and could still try to contain the inevitable pool of life that would be coming from me. I looked out the window to my back yard. I wanted one of my last thoughts to be about the beauty of the trees and the setting sun instead of focusing completely on the task at hand. With a final sigh I grabbed the blade, preparing to gouge my arm deeply from wrist to elbow, hopefully bleeding out quickly. But that's when it happened.

A soft click as the door handle to our side door was twisted echoed through my mind, followed quickly by the sound of the hinges protesting the weight of the door as it swung open. Before I could do anything, my sister had come home. It was in that moment that everything broke down inside of me; my fear, my anger, my resolve, all of it. Looking at her pleadingly I could only utter one word before the sobbing began.

'Help....'

To give a bit of an introduction, my name is Spenser. I enjoy anything nerdy, reading, and imagining new worlds and ideas. And I am also Bipolar. Before jumping to conclusions, let me give some history on this matter.

When I was in Ninth grade, I was diagnosed as Bipolar. Like many, I did not fully understand what this meant and as such I would often be put on medications only to slowly "forget" to take them when I started feeling better. I always assumed that I was in complete control of my emotions. Sure, I would occasionally get mad and have explosive outbursts, but who doesn't? Yeah, sometimes I would be in go-mode for days, often getting little if any sleep during that time as I reorganized, cleaned, painted, drew, and a whole other host of activities I would do. And of course, for most of the time, I would simply want to curl up into a ball and forget the world like I had felt the world had forgotten me. But although I knew about it, I always brushed off Bipolar as an almost made up disorder the pharmaceutical companies made up so they could spread their chemical love over more of the population.

A series of unfortunate events led me to the moment above. I know I was responsible for the problems that overwhelmed me. Poor financial decisions, the sudden ending of a relationship with a woman I was ready to spend the rest of my life with, and not managing my condition all led up to this attempt at suicide. Yes, there were other attempts in the past. But as you notice, none of them were successful (thankfully).

I didn't realize it then, but this day would be a very big turning point in my life that would forever change who I was, who I am, and who I will be.

To those of you who are suffering: I know how hard things can be, and I have felt everything from the top of elation to the valleys of dispair. I may not personally know you, but I am here for you no matter what.

To those of you who are wanting to understand more: with this blog, I am hoping to explain what I went through while hospitalized as well as convey the lessons that I learned during and after that time. I will be explaining many of the nuances of the emotional rides and teaching how you truly can conquer anything.

But most of all, if there is one true message I want to really emphasize, it is this:

No matter how hard the circumstances, no matter what you are going through, your darkest hour will lead to your brightest day if you just hold on.