When it was time...

The change was almost instantaneous to those around me. I was a lot calmer, a lot happier, and a lot easier to work with according to most. The cold doctor was able to work with my more to find the right medications and dosage that would help me the most. Bit by bit, I earned back my personal possessions. It wasn't until I had been in the hospital for almost 30 days that the doctor and I both agreed it was time for me to leave. 

The morning of October 15th, I gathered the few things I had collected or had been given and left the ward for the last time. I had taken a moment to say my goodbyes to a few of the staff and other patients I had grown close to. There were many that I would have liked to stay in contact with, but understandably the staff tended to discourage outside contact once both parties were out of the hospital. A few instructions were provided to my parents for the next couple of weeks as the doctor wanted to make certain I didn't have any adverse reactions to the treatments I had received. It wasn't until the doors closed behind me that I felt the full weight of leaving what had become my crumbling grounds.

Leaning back in my seat as we started our drive home, I could almost feel the changes swimming through me. I felt lighter, for one thing. The cold hands of death's advocate no longer rested on my shoulders, beckoning me to come to the grave for a permanent holiday. My inner daemons were no longer actively pulling at my heart continually, simply cuddled up idly in my mind, waiting for their next time to play. I knew that they would never go away fully. But for the first time in as long as I could remember, I felt that I was the one in control. It'll be a brighter future. But for now, let's take it one step at a time...

I am not here to claim that I am an expert in how the mind works. We all function differently. Each of us has our own set of cogs unique to only us, no matter how much alike we are. How we think, how we act, how we feel, all of it is colored by our own experiences, no matter how big or how small. You are who you are and dispite what anyone might tell you, I know for a fact that you are still an amazing person. No matter your circumstances, you are still a beautiful human being worthy of the gift of life.

Let's practice something. I want you to take a moment to look at yourself in the mirror. Really study your face. follow each curve, trace every small wrinkle. Do this for a full minute.

Seriously. Do it. Then come back and keep reading.

Now. I want you to list the first 10 words you would use to describe your face to a stranger. What did you come up with? How many of those words were positive? How many were negative? Now, I want you to repeat this exercise, but this time, think about one of your favorite people whether it's a friend, relative, loved one, or similar. What were the results? Surprisingly (or not surprisingly, really) most people tend to list almost all positive descriptions for their friends while listing negative descriptions for themselves.

As a society, we have been trained to find the good in others but rarely the good in ourselves. Messages bombard us from all around, continually telling us that we are not as good as other people and we need to be better if we want to keep up. Whether through mainstream media (magazines, articles, shows, etc) religious sermons (you're righteous, but your neighbor is more righteous than you because they gave more) or any other avenue, the constant comparison is always there. Keeping up with the Jones's is real, and it is something that is causing some major damage.

Take a second to sit back. Clear your mind. I want you to think about these negative thoughts about yourself and where they came from. It's okay if you're not sure. If you can trace them back, that's great. If not, that is fine as well. I want to let you in on a secret about these thoughts.

They are not you.

No matter how many people have said you are ugly or hideous, you are beautiful. No matter how many people have said you are stupid, you are intelligent. No matter how many people have said nobody would want you, you are the answer to someone's prayers. You are amazing. You are phenomenal. And most importantly, you are worth more than you know and more than I could ever tell you.

If you have any thoughts, stories, questions, or random ventings you would like to share, please let me know, you can find me on Facebook (if you're not already friends with me on there http://facebook.com/spenser.marzo), leave a comment below, or you can email me at spenser.marzo.is@gmail.com. Just remember that I am always here to talk to you and that I always will be, no matter what.