What is it?

So much of what I had previously known was slowly peeled away from me during my first night in UNI. 

After being admitted, a nurse had led me to a separate room to await the doctor's attention. She was kind enough to ask me about how I was doing, if I had eaten dinner yet, and even went so far as to offer her sympathy and a sad but kind smile to assure me that I would be well taken care of. Food was sent up and I ate as I changed into my hospital issued scrubs. Although it was a bad situation. I felt the glimmer of hope that something good would come of this.

I felt that, that is, until the doctor came into the room. Short cropped grey hair, flinty eyes, and a permanent scowl bolted in place, you could tell that he had dealt with similar situations in the past and had little to no sympathy for those in my situation. For what felt like hours but was most likely only minutes, the doctor grumbled to himself while he looked over my chart and studied me in turn. After a while I had honestly wondered if he was incapable of talking until he began barking his questions in short clipped bursts.

"What brings you in?"
"Is this your first attempt?"
"Have you been hospitalized before?"
"Why did you decide to attempt?"

There were several other questions that he asked in his detached way, but it was that last question that caught in my mind and haunted me for years to come. Why did I decide to attempt?

Why always has been a big question for everyone regarding the decision to commit suicide. We have all heard the typical responses over our times, whether it is "I didn't want to hurt anymore" to "Nobody would miss me anyway." Believe me. These reasons have all run through my mind.

Those who are not suffering from a mental illness or disorder will often look at any answer given to them by the afflicted with a degree of sympathy while never fully understanding the emotions behind it. People will always try to relate to the afflicted, try to give encouragement and tell them it will all be okay. But to truly understand what they are thinking, you must understand what they are experiencing.

The Mayo Clinic defines depression as follows:
"Depression is a mood disorder that causes a persistent feeling of sadness and loss of interest. "
Sure, that gives a rough idea of what it really is, but it by no means defines depression fully nor does it come close to scratching the surface of what it truly means to those who are experiencing it. Those who have or are going through depression would often look at the above statement and probably state something like "if only that was all it was." 

Depression is more than a clinical diagnosis. It is more than a common cold or a simple bout of the blues. I often have had people ask me how I would explain depression to someone who doesn't know it. It's at this point that I will walk them through a scenario to help them to get a glimpse into the emotional state.

Imagine you are wandering down an old dirt road after your car broke down a few miles back. Your cellphone has terrible reception, and you are expecting an important call from a friend. Your phone rings, so you quickly answer it. It's not who you were expecting. It is a loved one crying on the other end. Someone you both know has had a terrible accident. Before you can tell the person where you are or try to get them to tell you more, the call drops. Frantically dialing them time and time again does nothing, and your phone dies before you can make contact again. So let's recap what is going on:
You're lost.
You can't communicate with anyone.
You can't be there for those people you love.
I will ask people to describe how they are feeling at this point if they were really in this situation. Often I will usually get responses such as "I'd be upset" or "I'd feel helpless" or even "I wouldn't even know what to do at that point." At that point I will tell them one simple thing:


Imagine that feeling, infinitely stronger and infinitely longer. This is how it can feel to someone who has depression.

I do not give this example as a morbid reminder of what is being suffered through or as a way of saying "Oh I/we have it so much worse than you" or anything of that sort. I give this example as a way for those who may not understand the depth of the emotional impact these situations have on those with depression. 

Of course, this is different for each person.  I would never go so far as to say that every single person experiences depression the exact same way. But hopefully by using my example you might understand a little more of what goes on behind the scenes.

As to the "why" in my own case, I could list off any number of the typical answers. All would apply to how I felt when I was reaching for that knife.

All I ask is when someone you know is suffering, instead of asking why they are feeling that way, ask them how you can be there for them. Be an emotional pillar for them. Hold them close and pour out all of the love in your hearts for them. And never let go.